Bully Me, I'll See Ya

Sinking into you is not so bad

Until I realize you're all I've ever had
My thoughts of grandeur steal me away

Wondering if the sorrow I've collected is here to stay

Heavy holes weigh down my lungs

Making me question this person I've become

Anger moves through where beauty use to pass

It seeps within the permeation as I gasp

for air

I don't have the answers

wondering if I even have the questions

it's confusion

I don't have the patience

I'm ready to give in to the weakest parts of me

alienation

I sink it down

To raise it up

each day filling myself another cup

of disgust

So much to do

So much to change

more piles on from day to day

I am losing

momental thoughts

I don't know why, but this came to me and so I wrote it down and I am sharing it.

You think you see me
but you could never be me
a carbon copy couldn't even have a hold
of what makes me shy or what makes me bold
it's getting old
each person gets a different piece
from now, or from my youth
even if they all came together
they still wouldn't know the truth
I'm not like a book
you can't turn the page and read me
you want answers then ask
if you really want to free me
want actions then act
if you want change you must believe me

I'm a grown person, but not fully grown
not on my own
I have not yet stepped off my parents thrown
I can be mature and serious
but I am reluctant to mention
that sometimes I'm just a kid and I need some more attention
I am confident
I know what I can do in life
but will I do it? I don't know
It causes me some strife
I'm not immune to fear or failing
even though I try to hide it
I can't predict the future
even as hard as I try to write it

Bite my lip down hard as I close my eyes
I feel love now
and it came as a surprise
but I still want more
I want you to show me more.
when I'm not around you
I want to know I'm in your thoughts
no other girls should be there
cuz there should only be one slot
when I smile or I gaze
want to put you in a daze

and you know I'm not into all that gushy and the mushy
but I like cute things
you know cute, like a puppy
Ask me about my day
and romance me just a little
not asking for too fansy
no need to over work it
but be a man for me
and show me that I'm worth it
I'm happy that I'm yours
I will give you my all
Even when you're down babe
I will catch you when you fall
and that goes out to all the loved people in my life
I don't care if you're wrong
I don't care if you're right
What's in your heart is where I find my delight
Be: kind, honest, lovely, polite
that's what your worth is
that's what you should try to get
work on having that
and not all the other bullshit

Changes or Chances

This is a little bit different than other posts. It's not really a rap, or poem or banter about my life. This is more of a combination of all those things. I don't know who I am writing to, but I need to get it out and saying these things sounds awkward outloud sometimes. I am feeling mysterious lately and joining many experiences within me together. No one person could truely know what I am refering to in this.

I took a chance and it may have exploded in my face
but at least I tried something new, when I needed a new direction to turn to

Now I'm nervous
maybe scared
what will be
what will I see
when I return to a brand new LBC, at least for me
everything changes
so many changes
and nothing ever stays the same

so goodbye friendly face
goodbye my saving grace
I am so sorry to see you go
hoping for a new friend
hoping this is not my end

I needed to take a rest, but all I was looking for was a little return on my investment

I will look up to the sky
hello mr. sunshine

There you are, I have found you happy feelings
where have you been
do you know where confidence lays
I'm not a fool
I know how to navigate this place
but I have been thinking far too much
and my thoughts form spider webs that get in my way
I'm clearing them off today

I often like soul seclusion
but I hate to be misunderstood
I know that I am not the best
but I know that I am something real good
at times I want to kick this rule book
and not do the things I know I should
and live dangerously
so dangerously
but
then again no
becuase I would feel so guilty

Off I go
We'll see what this new venture has in store for me
you know I like to be on my own
but I hate to be alone
I would enjoy a little company from you
from time to time, when you have some time
please say hello

This time has taken years to pass
but it seems to have flown by
and I need to take care of myself now

The Life We Choose

So it has been a really long time since I have posted anything. I have written a lot of stuff in between but I doubt I will post any of it. I don't dare kid myself and think that many people ever see it anyway, but if that's why I did it then I probably would have stopped long ago. I guess I just post it out of pure curiousity to see if others will see and maybe give some response. What I write is usually just glimpses of my thoughts and experiences and not a full piece to my puzzle. What I am posting now is a compolation of feelings from some of my relationships with the opposite sex.

evertime i'm by your side, i want you to blow my mind
but it seems you never do
instead you leave me feeling blue.
and it's true
that i want this to work out.
i don't really know why, but i feel i've got to try
keep holding on, but at the end of the day
my feelings for you turn to grey and they fade.

not how i want to live my life.
this union that we've formed doesn't end with me as wife.
if you don't have mine, then i don't have your back
and tell sayjak
that i don't want to buy a vowel.
could have been so loyal
could have loved you til the end,
but now my title for you
doesn't even end in friend.

the end
that's how this story goes
if you want a girl to stay
then the feelings got to show and grow.
let her know you want her around
plant nice thoughts
take her out on the town.
or stay at home
just looking up at the stars.
or drive somewhere far
away from all the cars.

you see
everyone just wants to feel special.
and if you can't produce then it's time to say goodbye
and hi
to the next one you see
you can connect with
fall in love and be free.
life is too short to not give your all
and whether you make it
or just fall.
it's how we know that we're alive
so open up your eyes
and choose to thrive.

Galaxy

ok, so the Aztecs basically invented the calendar, and I believe the number Zero as well, or perhaps that was the Mayans, they were both pretty remarkable. We use the calendar everyday, well I don't everyday, which is why I often forget what day it is and what date of the year. I get trapped in the rutine of school and work and have to look at the calendar to remind me that I do indeed have stuff coming up in other days that I need to be aware of. I wish I didn't have to do that, I wish I could just live in one day and not worry about what is coming in the next. After all, we never know if there is going to be a next day. I wonder if the Aztecs had never come up with the calendar if we would all just live in one day? Well, there's the Chinese calendar, so maybe not. I guess having days isn't so bad. When one bad day comes, it is comforting to know that the next day you get to start over.

Anyways, I was recently told that the Aztecs only made their calendar go up to December 21, 2012. I wonder if they thought the world was going to end on that day....hum. Well December 21st happens to be my birthday. It is also the winter solstice and the shortest day of the year. My brother's birthday is June 21st, which is the summer solstice and you guessed it, the longest day of the year. He likes to taunt me about it. I was told by my cousin's lovey wife, that the solstice birthdays are suppose to be magical. My bro and I were both prematurely born by months; my mom was healthy with us and everything, but she had a thing that made her body not like us. (We turned out fine though) just some extra time for mother and baby in the hospital. Ok getting off track again. I think that we were born on those magical days for a reason and since I have always been interested in astrology, I wrote this lyrical poem called Galaxy. It has to do with the now and what my horoscope may be in the future.


You say you want to be my rock, but I'm already stable
I'm looking for emotional and love brought to the table
someone who's not afraid to be themselves and break it out and dance
a fella who is creative and looking for romance
I'll give a chance to anyone who fits that bill, but sorry boy you don't
you can try and try and try and try, but if that's not you then you won't
Cuz you don't see the inside girl, you only see the reflection of the world
I'm ruled by Jupiter, but it's so far away
I want to bring her close to me, but in space is where she'll stay
unless I hitch a ride with an astronaut and climb inside to see
or find a lover who can build and rocket just for me
we'll have tea and scones as we watch Earth glow bright
and since you build me a rocket, you'll get a giant kiss good night
we're out of sight, quite literally, because we're in outerspace
I want to say how I fancy you, you probably know, but just incase
Oh wait! I'm getting ahead of myself again and that's always the worst
before I talk about how I love him, I should try to find "him" first
my imagination is active and takes me to extremes
I have real dreams, my dreams are real and I have real big dreams
I don't dwell on all the drama that has happend in the past
It comforts me to know that this place it is so vast
and I'm so small, even when I stand up tall
but there are so many mountains, I can choose which ones I want to climb
and if none of those work out, I'll move to the beach and become a mime
or a minstrel, but I'll have to learn the guitar
It's something that I've always wished, but my hands have been too small so far
well I can learn anything that I want, if I put my mind to it like a sport
when I move my hands to make a chord, my fingers are hard to contort
or I could be a beatnik, becuase they only need to snap
I'd send my vibes up to the galaxy, and hope that she snaps back
it's like a trap, looking through a microscope, but seeing it all elevates my hope
that it is all so much bigger than we realize
and I can have it all hidden away, behind my closed eyes

driving to my own tune

So lately I have been very inspired to write more lyrical poems/raps, more than anything. It's like a disease that has infected me. I'm not unhappy about it because I enjoy doing it, but others don't seem to quite understand this "phase" I'm in. I say phase like that because it isn't really. I've always been into writing like that, I'm just doing it much more frequently and intently than ever before. I was writing a paper for a classs of mine the other day and before I could finish typing my sentence I had started to rhyme. Here is one I wrote last night as I was dozing off. I got up and wrote it down by the light from my no battery flashlight. There is more where this came from, but who knows what I'll post.

driving in the car, doing what i mostly do, with the music up loud
something i can sing to, or flow to, or groove to
i got my window rolled down, so i can play my sound to the crowd
i'll drive by real slow, or speed a little faster so my hair can blow
i like folk rock or a sweet dance beat, rock n roll
or something real street, to beat the heat, i have no genre on lock
if i'm having a good day, i pull out the pop
i'm not ashamed because i have a wide range
anything i connect with and makes me smile,
i'll even sit down and listen to country for a while
jazz abd blues, puts me in the mood to be romantic and cuddle with my dude
or my dog, which ever one i have at the time
when my mind is empty is when i write my rhyme
if i try to push it then nothing comes out
when that happens, it's like california in a drought
it's depressing, maybe only to me
cuz my thoughts are like water rushing to the sea
and the ocean is like my soul, creativity needs to flow,
i need to keep it moist for my spirit to grow
and love, it drives me everyday, to give all i got
and pave the way, for others to do the same
so that 7 billion people can have love on the brain to save the day
and stop us from distruction, stop us from the hate that seeps inside
we all have hearts, we all have minds, we all know that one day we will die
we all feel joy, we all feel pain, so lets all stop pretending that we all arn't the same
but yet so different, that's the beauty of life
that you'll never walk by the same person twice
because in an instant, yeah they have change
emotions rearranged and i'll refain to the chorus
playing in my car with that song
and it says that love plays on
I'm driving to my own tune
and I'll reach my destination soon
when that happens I'll swich to a bike
so you can turn the dial and find something that you like

Observation of a walk

From time to time I like to take walks. As I take these walks I like to think. As I think of where I am at that moment I also like to think about how my life would be and how I would feel if I were in a different place. Then I come up with a back story for me being in that place or how I feel there. This is something I did recently and I came up with lyrics as I usually do (since a lot of my thoughts come in story, poem or lyric form.) This is what I thought about.

Listen to the beat, the sounds of my feet, on the street as I go outside
I don't need a ride, I can walk, it's only two blocks and the sun is in the sky
I say hi to the people as they pass, but I don't expect a response
because they think I'm crazy, but I'm not shady
I'm just gettin some exercise
make a list of what I need, in my head as I heed
and milk is what it's all about
or maybe some apples, nice crisp Fuji's
cuz I'm thinking I'm almost out, I shout
to the guy with the chords in his hands
"keep playing" oh man, I just love that tune
and he makes me swoon
I can't help cuz his songs are like sweet tarts
start out tangy, but always end up sweet
he's busking on the street
and I appreciate him, he gets a kiss on the cheek from me
and some hot tea
ok I don't understand this traffic
cars like cows get tangled up and wrangled up
I respect your right to drive from place to place
but mind the rules of the road and respect each others space
BE SAFE, I guess that's what it all boils down to
instead of being greedy, you should learn to yeild too
and carpool to save gas and save air
tell that to all the people that just don't care
I know you have a job to go to
and perhaps you just didn't see us
but with all that money that you're out making
you should save up and buy a Prius
you don't need us and we don't need you
but with the love of one another, oh we can make it through
you see I don't think we need to be heros
but I think cold milk sure tastes great on my Cheerios